"I got my mind set on you"

tonight has been a night of many thoughts, for some reason, and tragic as it will come across, the majority of those have been related to the opposite sex. I think I quite fancy somebody, but for various reasons I cant make a huge thing of it, or actually do anything about it. Brilliant.

The term 'fancying' someone feels very adolescent to me now, I try not to use it because it just seems to cheapen the concept of liking someone...I think thats just my own skewered view of things and I cant even justify it, especially if the very thing occupying my thoughts more often than not is to do with luuuuuurving a boy, which in itself is probably quite teenage of me.

At this moment in time my feelings are quite all over the place, and recently whenever I've been interested in someone I just question it to death in my head, and sometimes I wonder if I just talk myself into or out of my feelings. To me, thats a terrifying concept, that I may have rarely ever had genuine feelings for all the people ive liked in the last few years, or that somehow, I falsely reciprocate feelings because I cant actually rationalise why I wouldnt like this perfectly charming guy. I know without a doubt that I've been in love, but when I try to recall anyone else that I've really really liked, I just cant do it, its the strangest thing because im sure im just like every other girl who will for a certain period of time have this one particular guy theyre infatuated with and talk about all the time. In the past if I'm reminiscing with friends and they go "god, remember when you really liked blah blah?" - I literally just dont. I cant believe this is even worthy of a blog really, oh no, poor sarah, doesnt know if shes keen on a fella or not, what an absolutely awful problem to have.

I think this is all stemming from the fact I havent been very happy lately. It isnt for any real reason, I'm not stuck in a rut, I love all the friends I currently spend any significant period of time with, a few bad things have happened but I cant pin it on those individual events because really this has been going on for quite a while. Of course, I'm sure it wouldnt take much to bring me to a satisfactory level of contentment, I can easily sit here and reel off the accepted list of whats meant to make life worthwhile - I could find a relationship, I could be in a job I really love, I could go out and just DO something new or speak to a new person who restores my faith in humanity. But should I really have to rely on this magical all-important occurance which will apparently make my life complete? Why cant I do it from within, and make myself feel better before I need to resort to some supposed cure to my miserable apathy?! Ridiculous really, when you're the sort of person who can answer all your own questions, dish out all your own advice, and yet still feel very lost. I dont want to believe that it will take another person to make me experience real happiness again, that doesnt seem right to me. Besides, its never just about a boy is it? All that other shit gets in the way of life too. Or perhaps that just IS life, and i've been missing the point.

ooh la la.

bye bloggy x

carry on my wayward son..

every now and then, during my extensive trawling of the internet in the early hours of the morning when attempts to force sleep and the 25th coffee have failed me, I come across websites that interest me. I like to bookmark these websites, and then look at them again when 3am rolls around and I still have not managed to just close my eyes and magically wake up 8 hours later.

http://www.hyd-masti.com/2008/12/2008-year-in-photographs.html

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7659954.stm

http://www.fashiontoast.com/

ahh, the introductory post

If i'm completely honest, I wouldnt entertain the idea of a blog for a second if I wasnt far too lazy to write in a diary, the conventional way. It probably isnt the most redeeming thing to admit about myself, but instead of having the traditional sensibilities vs the digital age argument with myself, i've come to pretty much accept the convenience of just tapping away at a keyboard, et voila, words appear!

Anyway, here I am, and of course I am mostly writing to myself, however I dont much approve of the dear diary approach, so I'll just lovingly write in you, dear blog (oh god) as if you, dear reader, are actually looking at this.

Its times like this, when I'm forced to sit and address what I, as a person, might have to say about myself, or the world, that I suddenly become incredibly paranoid that I have shit all to offer, I mean, without entering into some god awful existential debate, it isnt often that a person does have to spend any amount of time wondering about who they are. On a day to day basis, we're just ourselves but as other people see us, or ourselves depending on whats happened that day that youve had to deal with. Also, this makes it incredibly easy for people to lie about who they are, in an extremely albeit probably unintentional way. Several of my friends will turn off their last.fm if they are listening to a song that they dont want other people knowing they enjoy, this kind of attitude is understandable (unless thats just my ability to relate to anything failing me once again) - but also wrong. If you cant even be truthful about what music you listen to, are you going to be truthful in a blog entry, or a job interview, or if you meet a stranger in a coffee shop that on first impressions you rather like the look of?

Right now, im listening to T-rex, but, if I wasnt safe in the knowledge that this particular band are "acceptable" in the eyes of the type of person my age Id want to attract, would I have admitted this? I like to think so, whenever I'm in the mood to have a high opinion of myself, but the reality is very very different, dear reader. If it was James Blunt, I certainly wouldnt. Then again, I wouldnt listen to that man unless I found myself in an unfortunate situation such as being held at gunpoint, or faced with an option of either being subjected to that, or eating a bucketful of maggots that have been bathing in horseshit.

im bored now. xxx