tonight has been a night of many thoughts, for some reason, and tragic as it will come across, the majority of those have been related to the opposite sex. I think I quite fancy somebody, but for various reasons I cant make a huge thing of it, or actually do anything about it. Brilliant.
The term 'fancying' someone feels very adolescent to me now, I try not to use it because it just seems to cheapen the concept of liking someone...I think thats just my own skewered view of things and I cant even justify it, especially if the very thing occupying my thoughts more often than not is to do with luuuuuurving a boy, which in itself is probably quite teenage of me.
At this moment in time my feelings are quite all over the place, and recently whenever I've been interested in someone I just question it to death in my head, and sometimes I wonder if I just talk myself into or out of my feelings. To me, thats a terrifying concept, that I may have rarely ever had genuine feelings for all the people ive liked in the last few years, or that somehow, I falsely reciprocate feelings because I cant actually rationalise why I wouldnt like this perfectly charming guy. I know without a doubt that I've been in love, but when I try to recall anyone else that I've really really liked, I just cant do it, its the strangest thing because im sure im just like every other girl who will for a certain period of time have this one particular guy theyre infatuated with and talk about all the time. In the past if I'm reminiscing with friends and they go "god, remember when you really liked blah blah?" - I literally just dont. I cant believe this is even worthy of a blog really, oh no, poor sarah, doesnt know if shes keen on a fella or not, what an absolutely awful problem to have.
I think this is all stemming from the fact I havent been very happy lately. It isnt for any real reason, I'm not stuck in a rut, I love all the friends I currently spend any significant period of time with, a few bad things have happened but I cant pin it on those individual events because really this has been going on for quite a while. Of course, I'm sure it wouldnt take much to bring me to a satisfactory level of contentment, I can easily sit here and reel off the accepted list of whats meant to make life worthwhile - I could find a relationship, I could be in a job I really love, I could go out and just DO something new or speak to a new person who restores my faith in humanity. But should I really have to rely on this magical all-important occurance which will apparently make my life complete? Why cant I do it from within, and make myself feel better before I need to resort to some supposed cure to my miserable apathy?! Ridiculous really, when you're the sort of person who can answer all your own questions, dish out all your own advice, and yet still feel very lost. I dont want to believe that it will take another person to make me experience real happiness again, that doesnt seem right to me. Besides, its never just about a boy is it? All that other shit gets in the way of life too. Or perhaps that just IS life, and i've been missing the point.
ooh la la.
bye bloggy x
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